Finding him
by ThatOtakuGirl08
Summary: So... Its about Kate's search for Castle.One-shot. I'm horrible at summaries.But give it a chance, please


**A/N 1: So this is my first time publishing a fanfic for Castle and my second time publishing… well something. Please be nice with me. Constructive criticism is always welcome. Also English is not my first language sorry for the mistakes.**

''_Even if the endless sorrow steals you away,_

_Don't forget the days when you thought the "goodbye" was a lie,_

_The sky which you saw alone, and the dreams that you bumped into while passing by._

_Those days are unchanged ever since, even now, in your heart.''_

_The Gazette_

He's not dead. He can't be dead. That was all she could think curled up in their bed, wearing his shirt, completely awake. She just laid there, staring the walls. She couldn't sleep the image of the burning car glued in the inside of her eyelids.

She headed back to the city in the other day, the precinct was working with the Hamptons police and she needed to investigate, she needed to find a lead, she needed to find him. She knew it, in the moment they said that there wasn't anybody in the car, she knew that Tyson had him. Every time she though about it she felt a shiver down the spine. Tyson had him, he could be in pain right now, he could be… no. She bit her lip, holding back the tears. She had to be strong.

He's not dead. He can't be dead. She repeated what had become her mantra, while going through files and more files, looking for something, anything that could bring him back to her. Her days and nights were filled with dead ends, frustration and coffee that never tasted right, always seemed like the most important clue was right in front of her and still, unreachable, like she was running in the direction of the light in the end of an endless tunel.

His last words kept echoing in her head. I love you, Kate. And again like in that summer that seemed so distant now, his declaration was the only thing giving her strength to continue. She had to hear that again, and had to tell him too, because it didn't matter how many times it was said it never seemed enough, but principally because the word love would never mean something again if she lost him.

_Heat Wave_ laid in his side of the bed, she tried to read but now that she knew the warmth of his body against hers, the calming sound of his hearth, the scent that was only his, only his words weren't enough anymore. Nikki's world was pale and lifeless without his creator by her side.

He filled her dreams, memories from their lazy mornings spent on the bed, and sunny days on the beach. As much as it hurted wake up with an empty bed, she crawled to those memories like it was the last thing keeping her alive.

She smiled for the first time in weeks in the day she discovered his computer's password ('always' she smiled her sweet, sensitive man) and found hundreds of photos of them, there were also letters he wrote to her, scenes that didn't fit in any particular story, videos, thoughts about their more interesting cases or something funny that happened in one of his poker games.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

It's been two months when they receive it, the box comes from an address almost outside of the city, and there are only three things inside: two golden rings –their wedding bands, and a note 'it's taking to long; we want to see you detective, come to play'. The letters were red, and she didn't wanted to think why. It was three in the morning, and they flied across the city

He smiled when he saw her, the smile that was only hers, that reached his blue eyes and always made her warm inside. And for a moment she really believed that everything would be all right. Tyson was hiding in the shadows; she had barely walked in Castle's direction, when she heard the voice that was part of her nightmares for the last two months:

-Too late. You lost. - There was a sadistic smile, and a hand holding a surgical knife. She shoot a second too late, when Tyson hit the ground with five holes in his chest, the piece of metal was buried in Castle's chest.

Kate never ran so fast and so slowly in her entire life. She caught him seconds before he hit the ground.

-Kate…- the boys entered stumbling across the door. They were in the other side of the construction. Esposito started speaking quickly in the radio trying to find help, Ryan fell on the ground.

-I'm here, babe. Will be all right. - She felt the tears pooling in her eyes.

-A… abandoned warehouse… what… a cliché…

-Yeah, not his best move right? – Her voice was shaky.

-Don't… cry… - He coughed blood

-Shh… don't talk, Rick, it will be all right, just hold on ok?

-I'm… s-sorry… take care…

-Rick please…

-Take care… Alexis… I love… you two…- He coughed again- so much… Kate...

-No, Rick… I love you too, don't die, are you hearing me? - No he wasn't- Rick… don't leave me… - It was to late. All the traces of life had already left his eyes.

The day of his funeral was sunny. And she though that it was very appropriated because Richard Castle was a brightening and warming presence in so many peoples life; and at the same time it was very unfair, because the world was not supposed to look so happy, when such a wonderful human being just had left.

In that warm afternoon, under the blue sky Kate Beckett shed all the tears she kept in those last two months. She cried for the always that would never happen, for their shattered fairy tale, and for their unborn child that had lost the father with only three months of life.

**A/N 2: This was motivated by basically three things: I'm writing this at five in the morning (in my county) and I can't remember the last time I slept; I've been watching animes for the last…twelve hours or something like that, and the last one was specially sad; I'm a gothic we are a little bit depressed. I love Rick Castle (seriously I do), so please don't hate me is all fault of the mix of sleep deprivation, a sad anime and my gothic spirit. **

**You love it? You hate it? Should I never write again? Tell me your thoughts (/_*)/**


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